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"Cause us to hear Your lovingkindness for on You do we lean and in You do we trust. Cause us to know the way wherein we should walk, for we lift up our inner self to You." Psalm 143:8
"Cause us to hear Your lovingkindness for on You do we lean and in You do we trust. Cause us to know the way wherein we should walk, for we lift up our inner self to You." Psalm 143:8
3 comments:
Lately, God has been making me confront the things that I would rather deny and suppress. It has been a painful process yet so relieving. I feel so blessed that God cares and knows me infinitely more than I know myself, and he knows how deep the hurt runs, and he wants to heal me even to the unconscious level. It is yet again amazing that God wants to bring absolutely complete restoration to all people all relationships and the whole universe.
I have been struggling with self-hatred for maybe my whole life. Sometimes I wonder if I’m trying to be a martyr, believing that I deserve others’ pity and especially my own. But God has been teaching me to love myself. Yes, I am worth something very precious in God’s eyes, so precious that he gave me Jesus. Yet interestingly enough, it’s so easy to doubt God’s love and the power of his blood to cover sin, and I cling dearly to my pain and cannot forgive myself.
In Matthew 8:1-4 a leper “came and knelt before [Jesus] and said, ‘Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.’ Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. ‘I am willing,’ he said. ‘Be clean!’ Immediately he was cured of his leprosy.” In verse 6 “a centurion came to [Jesus], asking for help.” Verse 10, Jesus says “’I tell you the truth, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith.’” And then he heals “’just as [the centurion] believed.’” I must learn to go to the Lord in humility and in faith, and he will heal me, all of me.
Acts 11:17 “So if God gave them the same gift as he gave us, who believed in the Lord Jesus Christ, who was I to think that I could oppose God?” This verse tells me not to judge other Christians who are different from me, but specifically, it tells me not to judge my home church. So over break God revealed to me how bitter I was/am about my home church, and though God started to take away my bitterness, the last week that I went was really hard. The whole time all the bad memories came back to me…I just pray that God will change me…
I really liked the Psalm reading, especially verses 28-29. “You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall.” So encouraging…we can overcome our enemies because of God!
Genesis 41:51-52 are also so encouraging. “’God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father’s household…God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering.’”
Dear Gloria, thanks for sharing what was so dear and intimate to your heart. That self-hatred is surely as you know, not God-given, and I pray that you will realize how much God wants you to grow and accept the beauty that He's given you, internally and externally so that you can start making other people feel beautiful about themselves too-including your family and friends. I've learned once more, that God blesses us to bless others, and if we cannot heal ourselves, how are we going to be the change in other people's life? And let me tell you, Gloria, you've been such a positive influence on my life, since our weekly meetings, I've listened, digested, shared your prejudices, fears and anxiety, and you've done the same with mine, and it always starts from there: the willingness to confess your sins and the slow but gradual growth of recovery from it. I know that this semester will be another eye-opening and exciting one for you as well as you daily discover God's will for you!
In Matthew, I marveled with Jesus at the centurion's faith, "But only speak a word, and my servant will be healed". My prior anxieties about my internships and classes and friends here in France have all slowly been put to rest. I have found friends easily, my classes have been settled, and my Govt professor is helping me find an internship here. It's funny how much we get taken over by our worries though.
In Psalms 18, I particularly am struck by the logic of these phrases which makes me want to strive more to be Christ-like:
'With the merciful You will show Yourself merciful; With a blameless amn You wil show Yourself blameless; With the pure You will show Yourself pure; And with the devious You will show Yourself shrewd. For You will save the humble people But will bring down haughty looks."
One of the reasons I began to desire God's presence in my life even more is because of those around me in whom His work is plainly and powerfully evident. Both of you girls inspire me to seek God more, and encourage me that God's redeeming power is real. It's amazing to see God's presence in people's lives around me and to witness the transformation that results.
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